The Evolution of Schtuff

I traveled internationally for 4 months wearing a 45 liter pack on my back and a smaller backpack in the front through 15 countries. I had to be prepared for all climates – the nauseating heat of summer in Australia, the bitter cold of dead winter in Poland and Germany and the downpours of spring in Italy. I sent my ex-boyfriend back from Italy with a few extra items in his luggage and shipped a small package from Madrid a month before returning. I had posted a list of what I carried when I departed in January so I figured it was only appropriate to show what I returned with. Items in red were lost, broken or sent back to the states. Items in green were purchased along the way.

in 45 liter pack:
-1 pair of stylish boots – these got tossed in late April into a trash can in Leiden, Holland after quite literally being worn until disintegration
-1 pair of sneakers
-1 pair of black sandals purchased in a size too small (apparently they don’t have big footed women in Western Europe) in Lisbon to wear to the Moulin Rouge
-1 pair of black flip flops – these were tossed in the beginning of my trip in Australia to save space knowing I was headed into the winter months of Germany and Poland
-2 dresses (1 casual & 1 fancy) – I ended up with a different formal dress purchased in Lisbon for the Moulin Rouge after sending my ‘fancy’ dress back with Jon
-1 thin, stylish hoodie
-1 nice, outerwear jacket – this jacket ended up not being warm enough nor as waterproof as I thought and was replaced with a purple Northface in Rome
-1 cute cardigan sweater
-1 fashion scarf
-1 pair of jeans these jeans grew too big and were sent back with Jon – I bought a new pair of denim and a grey pair of pants in Florence – a pair bought in Berlin was shipped back from Madrid
-1 pair of jeggings – sent back with Jon
-1 pair of shorts – sent back with Jon
-1 pair of capri pants – shipped back from Madrid
-1 pair of pajama pants purchased in Berlin
-1 Paddington Bear pajama set purchased in London
-1 fancy tank top – ruined during a laundry incident in Prague
-2 tanks tops / under shirts – shipped back from Madrid – replaced with 2 tank top bras from Lisbon
-1 long sleeve shirt – ruined in Prague – new one purchased in Lisbon
-2 blouses
-3 cotton blouses – 2 shirts ruined in Prague – replaced in Lisbon
-2 cotton t-shirts – 1 shirt ruined in Prague
-1 workout tank top
-1 sports bra
-1 tan bra
-1 bathing suit
-1 camping towel – sent back with Jon
-21 pairs of underwear – ended with 16 pairs of underwear
-14 pairs of socks
-1 reusable shopping bag for dirty laundry
-1 toiletry bag containing: deodorant, a razor with extra blades, shampoo, facewash, lotion, toothpaste, toothbrush, floss, QTips, tampons, nail file, prescribed anti-anxiety medication, comb, extra hair elastics, a headband, bobby pins, makeup and some jewelry
-1 blue hat haggled for in Rome – sent back with Jon
-2 pairs of earrings purchased in Seville
-1 bracelet gifted by a co-worker in Paris
-1 ring purchased in Florence
-1 trinket bracelet gifted to me in Galway
-1 new claddaugh ring purchased in Cork at Blarney Castle

in backpack:
-purse (containing ID, passport, hand sanitizer, sunglasses + wallet) – purse was destroyed – new one purchased in Seville – new sunglasses were also purchase in Florence and then again in London to replace lost pairs + 1 leather sunglass case purchased in Florence
-computer + charger for work
-iPad for work-phone + charger
-mobile phone charger purchased in Australia
-wall outlet adapter
-headphones
-sweet leather fanny pack – sent back with Jon
-leather journal – shipped back from Madrid
-hello / goodbye book for memories + notes from people I meet along my journey
-blank watercolor postcard – shipped back from Madrid
-watercolor travel kit – shipped back from Madrid
-1 reusable plastic water bottle – broke in Germany
-travel pillow purchased during layover in London on the way to Australia
-2 books from Amsterdam, 1 was purchased and 1 was gifted
-1 beautiful hand crocheted ping gifted to me in Germany – lost in Prague
– 1 book gifted to me in Poland  – sent back with Jon
-1 book gifted to me in Augsburg – re-gifted to a friend in Frankfurt
-1 small Astronomical table clock gifted to me in Prague – sent back with Jon
-artwork purchased on the streets of Prague and Venice – sent back with Jon
-stainless steel Italian espresso maker purchased in Venice – sent back with Jon
-personalized wax seal kit with gold wax given to me in Venice – sent back with Jon
-small trinkets and presents purchased through traveling (some stayed with me) – most sent back with Jon or shipped from Madrid
-4 chocolate bars purchased in Belgium
-37 pins purchased from each city visited in Australia and Europe
-1 of each coin in the 7 currencies I paid with
-1 CD purchased from a band playing in a park in Barcelona
-1 spoon – stolen in Germany – used to take selfies throughout Europe

Before
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After
packing after trip
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True colors shining through

“The peacock is a symbol of integrity and the beauty we can achieve when we endeavor to show our true colors.”

When I was walking through a park in Warsaw a little over a month ago, a peacock crossed my path. He opened his feathers and stood in front of me, gently swaying in half circles to the right… to the left.. back and forth for about 10 minutes. There was no female around to impress, so it was rare that he did this… It felt like he just needed to present himself in this moment. It was as if he was saying, ‘here I am, world… I’m beautiful, aren’t I?’. I have never used the world majestic to describe anything before, but it seems to be the only one fitting this experience.

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I made an active decision to be happy 6 years ago, to not let ugliness and sadness consume me anymore. I worked hard to be the person I am today. And in the last two years, I channeled that energy to create the life I want to lead… I was promoted, bought a car, scored (and subsequently gave up for this trip) an awesome apartment in SF, fell in (and lost) love for the first time in 9 years, completely changed my lifestyle (losing 29% of my body weight), finished three Tough Mudders, paid off 50% of my student loans, paid off all of my credit card debt, had more adventures than I can list and traveled a good chunk of the globe (alone).

I know what it is to empower myself through decision and action… to feel pride in myself. Above all, my greatest accomplishment is that I have been able to remain open, vulnerable and loving despite deep loss and disappointment. Remaining this way allows me to experience the best parts of humanity, friendship and myself. I think the struggles allow me to embrace life with great fervor… As if knowing the dark depths allows me to appreciate the light above more. In a way, I’m grateful for the shit times… for the wisdom and strength I possess in overcoming it all.

I chose to get a tattoo to remember this time and feeling in my life… a peacock feather. I was lucky in finding a wonderful artist in Barcelona (the first time I’ve trusted a stranger to tattoo me). I want to remember this journey that began years ago with one seemingly simple choice… and to remember the beauty and power in vulnerabilityas a symbol of my warrior spirit and brave heart.

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I am now at the point in my life where I too am saying ‘here I am, world… I’m beautiful, aren’t I?’

“The peacocks feathers are meaningful to those with this power animal, for they also have an association with resurrection, rising out of the ashes. They can help us shed the old feathers of the past and to take back the true beauty of our individuality.”
– Ina Woolcott

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“Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.”

My uncle gave me a card with this quote on it when I moved to California in May of 2011. Some things you hear and think you understand until the day that it really clicks and the meaning changes entirely. … Continue reading