One year on the road.

One year ago today, on a rainy day in San Francisco, I packed all of my belongings in a 6x8x8 storage unit. I had no clue when I would be unpacking it, where or with who. I didn’t imagine that a year later, I’d still be traveling.

I have been living out of a backpack, traveling the U.S., Australia, and Europe for 12 months while working 40-60 hours a week in Pacific Coast hours. I have explored corners of the world and myself in ways I am still trying to understand. I have been invigorated and exhaustedinspired and discouraged…. enamored and lonely

I still haven’t had time to process it all, I’ve remained in a constant state of movement since I returned stateside in May… I have been flying or driving my SmartCar to visit friends in many cities, completing 5 more Tough Mudders and have started studying to become a certified personal trainer. There has been little rest, but a lot of love and learning.

I’m at a crossroads in my life, relationship and career… vulnerable and exposed in ways I’ve never felt before. I’ve learned to exist more peacefully in the proverbial ‘grey area‘ but it’s not been easy or something I’m entirely comfortable with.

I have a few more weeks of travel before I return to San Francisco on January 3rd to begin the next big adventure… finding home. I crave this stability. I cannot wait to return to my community there, I have traveled the world and realized that it is where I belong. It’s interesting what becomes clearer as the focus or lens changes. I’ll be unpacking and rooting in, creating routines and in some ways, beginning a new life in a familiar place. I’m walking the fine line between excited and terrified. 

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The Evolution of Schtuff

I traveled internationally for 4 months wearing a 45 liter pack on my back and a smaller backpack in the front through 15 countries. I had to be prepared for all climates – the nauseating heat of summer in Australia, the bitter cold of dead winter in Poland and Germany and the downpours of spring in Italy. I sent my ex-boyfriend back from Italy with a few extra items in his luggage and shipped a small package from Madrid a month before returning. I had posted a list of what I carried when I departed in January so I figured it was only appropriate to show what I returned with. Items in red were lost, broken or sent back to the states. Items in green were purchased along the way.

in 45 liter pack:
-1 pair of stylish boots – these got tossed in late April into a trash can in Leiden, Holland after quite literally being worn until disintegration
-1 pair of sneakers
-1 pair of black sandals purchased in a size too small (apparently they don’t have big footed women in Western Europe) in Lisbon to wear to the Moulin Rouge
-1 pair of black flip flops – these were tossed in the beginning of my trip in Australia to save space knowing I was headed into the winter months of Germany and Poland
-2 dresses (1 casual & 1 fancy) – I ended up with a different formal dress purchased in Lisbon for the Moulin Rouge after sending my ‘fancy’ dress back with Jon
-1 thin, stylish hoodie
-1 nice, outerwear jacket – this jacket ended up not being warm enough nor as waterproof as I thought and was replaced with a purple Northface in Rome
-1 cute cardigan sweater
-1 fashion scarf
-1 pair of jeans these jeans grew too big and were sent back with Jon – I bought a new pair of denim and a grey pair of pants in Florence – a pair bought in Berlin was shipped back from Madrid
-1 pair of jeggings – sent back with Jon
-1 pair of shorts – sent back with Jon
-1 pair of capri pants – shipped back from Madrid
-1 pair of pajama pants purchased in Berlin
-1 Paddington Bear pajama set purchased in London
-1 fancy tank top – ruined during a laundry incident in Prague
-2 tanks tops / under shirts – shipped back from Madrid – replaced with 2 tank top bras from Lisbon
-1 long sleeve shirt – ruined in Prague – new one purchased in Lisbon
-2 blouses
-3 cotton blouses – 2 shirts ruined in Prague – replaced in Lisbon
-2 cotton t-shirts – 1 shirt ruined in Prague
-1 workout tank top
-1 sports bra
-1 tan bra
-1 bathing suit
-1 camping towel – sent back with Jon
-21 pairs of underwear – ended with 16 pairs of underwear
-14 pairs of socks
-1 reusable shopping bag for dirty laundry
-1 toiletry bag containing: deodorant, a razor with extra blades, shampoo, facewash, lotion, toothpaste, toothbrush, floss, QTips, tampons, nail file, prescribed anti-anxiety medication, comb, extra hair elastics, a headband, bobby pins, makeup and some jewelry
-1 blue hat haggled for in Rome – sent back with Jon
-2 pairs of earrings purchased in Seville
-1 bracelet gifted by a co-worker in Paris
-1 ring purchased in Florence
-1 trinket bracelet gifted to me in Galway
-1 new claddaugh ring purchased in Cork at Blarney Castle

in backpack:
-purse (containing ID, passport, hand sanitizer, sunglasses + wallet) – purse was destroyed – new one purchased in Seville – new sunglasses were also purchase in Florence and then again in London to replace lost pairs + 1 leather sunglass case purchased in Florence
-computer + charger for work
-iPad for work-phone + charger
-mobile phone charger purchased in Australia
-wall outlet adapter
-headphones
-sweet leather fanny pack – sent back with Jon
-leather journal – shipped back from Madrid
-hello / goodbye book for memories + notes from people I meet along my journey
-blank watercolor postcard – shipped back from Madrid
-watercolor travel kit – shipped back from Madrid
-1 reusable plastic water bottle – broke in Germany
-travel pillow purchased during layover in London on the way to Australia
-2 books from Amsterdam, 1 was purchased and 1 was gifted
-1 beautiful hand crocheted ping gifted to me in Germany – lost in Prague
– 1 book gifted to me in Poland  – sent back with Jon
-1 book gifted to me in Augsburg – re-gifted to a friend in Frankfurt
-1 small Astronomical table clock gifted to me in Prague – sent back with Jon
-artwork purchased on the streets of Prague and Venice – sent back with Jon
-stainless steel Italian espresso maker purchased in Venice – sent back with Jon
-personalized wax seal kit with gold wax given to me in Venice – sent back with Jon
-small trinkets and presents purchased through traveling (some stayed with me) – most sent back with Jon or shipped from Madrid
-4 chocolate bars purchased in Belgium
-37 pins purchased from each city visited in Australia and Europe
-1 of each coin in the 7 currencies I paid with
-1 CD purchased from a band playing in a park in Barcelona
-1 spoon – stolen in Germany – used to take selfies throughout Europe

Before
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After
packing after trip
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To the friends I met along the way

“A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles.”

-Tim Cahill

Through 15 different countries in 4 months of traveling, I met some truly incredibly people. Some I knew from home, some through friends of friends but most I was just lucky enough to cross paths with. People keep asking what my favorite country was… but really each place was special more so because of the people I met than by anything I toured, ate or experienced.

I cannot express enough the immense gratitude I feel for not just knowing all of you, but for the kindness and time you shared with me.

I have left pieces of my heart all over the world.

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“Routine is the enemy of time, it makes it fly by.”

I am in tears over this piece my best friend sent to me today. Since returning, I have been having such a difficult time trying to put into words my experiences while traveling alone abroad for four months. It’s almost like I can’t acknowledge that it even happened because I don’t know what to make of it…. yet. Jed Jenkins so eloquently put into words why I began this journey, maybe it will help me to find my own words to describe what I have learned as a result of it.

“Routine is the enemy of time, it makes it fly by… I want to be aware of every day I’m alive and I want to make it to 85 and be exhausted because I have been alive and awake every single day… It’s about getting out of your routine and that could look like anything… And that’s why I’m doing this bike trip because I don’t want my days to control me… I want to control my days… I want to choose a mind and a soul that’s wide awake… It turns your 100 years on this planet into a thousand.”

See the video here: https://vimeo.com/120206922

Galway and the Cliffs of Moher, a breath of fresh air

“Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.” –Omar Bradley

Gośka and I packed our bags on a rainy morning to hop on a bus to Galway to spend my last weekend in Europe together. We zoned out while listening to music through our headphones and snuggled under a hoodie sprawled over both of us for warmth as we drifted to sleep during the three hour journey.

I could feel as if my energy was noticeably different than when we’d first met 2 1/2 months prior in Poland. I was tired, growing weary of travel and becoming increasingly more anxious about returning back to the states where every aspect of my life was up in the airnot knowing what would become of my job, relationship and location. I have a small sense of home in each person I love but where will I call home? Where do I belong? How can I know what’s right for me now? And for the future? These thoughts circle in my head, wearing down on me constantly. Feeling so conflicted and torn, it is a constant effort to just breathe and exist in the grey area – to be okay with not having all the answers (something I have never been comfortable with).

For weeks, I had to wear a brave face to everyone I was meeting… feeling the need to be ‘on‘ all of the time. I sat with Gośka at dinner… quiet, unable to participate in even light conversation. I found myself apologizing for my energy and how crummy I was feeling. She paused and smiled… “Jackie, I’m happy just to be with you… any way you are.” A feeling of calm washed over me as my eyes welled up with years, I was accepted just as and who I was. Her words were simple yet profound and eloquent. In that acceptance, I began to snap out of my haze. We had a really nice evening exploring Galway, even in the rain. I could feel the lightness returning to me.

I was extremely nervous about hiring (that’s how they say ‘renting’ in Europe) a car for our trip to the Cliffs of Moher. Gośka was unable to drive due to an age minimum so if we wanted to see these cliffs, I had to get passed my fear.

The drive up was incredible – I got a whiff of both literal and figurative fresh air. It was supposed to rain all day (90% chance for each hour of that morning and early afternoon) but minus about 15 minutes of light rain, the sun was shining all day. Along the way, a song my grandmother used to sing, ‘Mellow Yellow‘ came on the radio… we stopped at the top of a hill to take in the views and I saw a post with my father’s initials on it… and on the way to the airport, I heard a new song by Paolo Nutini who my friend and I used to adore… I’m not sure what I believe but all these signs from loved ones who have passed just helped to further the sense of peace and destiny I was feeling. It was as if every moment of this day was meant to be – as it had felt when I first met Gośka in Warsaw – that feeling of absolute presence and gratitude.

When I saw the post with my father’s initials, I explained to Gośka what was making me smile and at that moment, the clouds parted and I could feel the warmth as the sun shone on my face. We stood there, just smiling and hugging. I took the opportunity to present her with a gift… a green bracelet (her favorite color) with a shamrock charm on it. I knew how special Ireland was to her and how special she was to me, I wanted her to have a trinket of our adventure together.

After a few hours of exploring the cliffs, we had gone as far as we could before realizing we had to turn around to have enough time for lunch and to make it to the airport. Gośka and I took a seat near the edge of a cliff to embrace these last moments… to soak it all in. She presented me with a gift… an orange bracelet (my favorite color) with two charms – a letter ‘J’ and a shamrock with her initial on one side and my lucky number, 23 on the other. I was astounded at the coincidence of our presents to each other. We laughed and hugged the entire walk back.

That feeling of being right where and who I was meant to be could not have been stronger that day. It was a reminder that no matter what is going on now, no matter what is to come… so long as I act in love and truth, I will always be okay.

Our goodbye was brief, she had an earlier flight than I did and due to misinformation of the gas station location from the car rental agent in Galway, our original plan of dropping the car off and walking into the airport together was shot. We hugged quickly and I sped away to find a place to fill the tank before returning the car with barely enough time for me to make it through security for my flight. In a way, I’m glad we didn’t have more time for goodbyes because I know I will see my Polish sister again… there was no reason to allow ourselves to feel any sadness.

Moments in Galway:
-Walking through the pouring rain through the Latin Quarter, Claddagh neighborhood and to the Spanish Arch
-Seeing the swans bobbing in the turbulent water
-Ducking in and out of pubs in search of the perfect place for a pint, I was particular excited to check out ‘Coyote Ugly
-After a few bars, we realized we’d rather relax and prepare for the day ahead – at home, we drank tea and cuddled up to watch ‘Dirty Dancing‘ as we drifted to sleep

Moments in the Cliffs of Moher:
-Driving on the opposite side of the road in the opposite side of the car in the tiny, windy road on the way (with no major incidents… ahem, only two minor ones)
-Sitting on the rocks overlooking Doolin Pier
-Stopping to see the bulls, cows and sheep along the sides of the road (the bull was especially amazing).
-Listening to Irish country music on the radio while driving through the beautiful countryside
-Hiking along the breathtaking cliffs, feeling as if I was Princess Buttercup along the Cliffs of Insanity (‘Princess Bride’ was filmed here)
-Picking up two hitchhikers on the route to the airport just for Gośka to prove to Sean that hitchhiking in Ireland is possible
-Attempting to pump gas in an old school station without a shut off and spilling diesel all over my hand.

Food Highlights:
-A simple and tasty lunch at a pub near our AirBnB
-I don’t eat seafood but I did love watching Gośka thoroughly enjoy her oyster and seafood chowder
Shepard’s Pie for my last dinner in Ireland

Language Highlights:
Sometimes the most powerful language you can learn is silence. Gośka and I shared several quiet moments this weekend, communicating everything and nothing at the same time.

AIRPORTS: 22
FLIGHTS: 21
TRAINS: 15
BUSES: 4
STATES: 7
COUNTRIES: 14
CONTINENTS: 3
DAYS TRAVELING: 148
CURRENCIES: 7

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I say a little prayer for you.

I’m not religious but I find myself lighting a candle and saying a prayer in each church I visit in Europe. I usually think about those who have passed – I think about them to feel their presence in the moment, to use their memory as a guide in my life… to bring a part of them along with me, for all the places and experiences they were never able to have. This candle was different. I prayed to myself… I prayed to always remember the strength and fire that is within me, to think of what I have overcome in the past as a reminder that there is nothing that can break me, to remember to trust my instincts, to be guided by my conscious, and most importantly… to continue to find the courage to stay smiling, to find gratitude in each day and to keep an open heart and mind no matter what happens.

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Heartbreak in Venice

As the final days of our vacation and our relationship approached… it was hard to focus on enjoying Venice. We had three nights and three days left to spend together. We had some bad luck in these days with getting ripped off by restaurants, receiving a 52 euro ticket because we forgot to ‘validate’ our return trip from Murano and with the toilet at our AirBnb (I won’t go into details, but there were some moments that were both disgusting and hilarious). It didn’t feel as easy and light as it had earlier in the week.

We had a stunning apartment with a terrace overlooking the canal. Each morning, I took a few moments alone up there to breathe and to do my best at keeping my shit together. It felt like the universe was giving us conflicting signals. We bought a lock in Cinque Terre that Jon was etching at lunch and when he tested the lock… it was broken and wouldn’t open. At that moment, as if in a movie, the radio (which had been on so low it was inaudible during our entire meal) started blaring Taylor Swift’s ‘Blank Space’ right at the ‘Is it going to be forever or is it going to go down in flames?’ part. We were silent for a moment then burst into laughter that lasted for awhilethen tears. We bought another lock and headed to the Ponte dell’Accademia (the bridge famous for having over 20,000 locks on it)… They had all been cut off. Jon climbed the side of a beautiful theater close by to lock it to the gated window in hopes that the lock would remain for years to come as a symbol of our bond. Life can be so fickle and poetic.

We wandered through Venice, holding handsembracing these final days. It was romantic… We saw the lunar eclipse (a first for me) while in search of our morning espresso and we were serenaded on a gondola ride where I met Constance, a kind, loving and adventurous older woman, who I am pretty sure is exactly who I’ll be in 50 years (or at least who I aspire to be).

On our last night, we heard both of our songs played at the bar… I begged for Jon to dance with me, feeling as if my heart was in a vice being squeezed tighter and tighter with each musical note and just wanting to be held close. He was too sober to oblige.

The next morning, we were fairly silent over our last cappuccinos and Italian pastries. We walked to the bus station in the rain. Under a bridge, we made our last declarationsaccepting that it was truly over… realizing that love isn’t ‘all you need and that the difference in life stages and experiences were too much to overcome. I walked him to the bus that would take him to the airport. Like a script, we kissed one last time in the rain. I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘I love you’ back – I felt like if I did, it was really the end. I stood there, getting soaked, as the bus drove away… feeling my heart shatter into a million pieces.

The tears would not stop once they started flowing. Have you ever loved so deeply, you felt physical pain at its loss? I tortured myself by listening to the Valentine’s day playlist he made for me on my train ride to Florence. I thought about everything that was said and done throughout the course of our relationship… I felt the weight of all the hurt, betrayal and anger.

I feel completely and utterly broken. I allowed myself to remain in this reflection and sadness by not leaving the apartment in Florence that day. As terrible as I feel now… as much as this hurts, I am grateful to have experienced these parts of Italy with Jon. I’ve been fine traveling alone, but it was better to travel with a companion in Rome, Cinque Terre and Venice… I think you see and feel things differently when you are with someone you love there. I am glad I was able to give him the gift of seeing the world (even if just a small part of it).

Moments in Venice:
San Marco square: a beautiful square filled with art and history… and pigeonsI couldn’t understand why people kept feeding them to get the birds to land all over themack
San Marco Basilica: I may have used some sneaky moves by entering through the exit to avoid waiting in the 2 hour line (maybe the cause of our bad luck karma?), the art in the church was so beautiful… I lit another candle in memory of my loved ones
-purchasing art from a local artist
Bridge of Sighs: we had to settle for a kiss while walking over it since our gondola did not go under it
Rialto bridge: the shops and foods being sold, we ate and walked the entire time we were there
Doge Palace: we got a lovely view from the canal but did not have time to go inside
Murano: a pretty little area but not worth the $ for the water bus and the 52 euro ticket for not being able to stamp our return fare (you had to pay to get in everywhere or see anything and a lot of the glass can be seen right in Venice)
Bacaro Jazz Bar: there is zero nightlife in Venice but we found a 2 for 1 drinks at this total dive with bras handing from the ceiling and an old Rod Stewart concert being played on the television

Favorite purchases:
I obviously can’t share the gifts I bought but I did get a wax seal kit with a ‘J’ to go with the calligraphy set Jon bought me for Christmas and an Italian stove top espresso maker that I am very excited about and can’t wait to get back to the States to use. It was nice to lighten my load and send Jon home with some items I have purchased in 2 months of traveling and some clothes and personal items that I ended up having no need for (more room for to get more stuff – yay!).

Food Highlights:
-With the exception of one meal of sage & poppy seed ravioli and the pastries, the meals in Venice were a bit disappointing after Rome. If you wanted anything halfway decent, you had to be willing to drop $$. But our AirBnb host did suggest a pizza place around the corner that was the best I’ve had in Italy (we ate there every day).

Language Highlights:
Excuse me: scusci (you have to say this a lot as you make your way through the narrow passages)

AIRPORTS: 13
FLIGHTS: 15
TRAINS: 6
BUSES: 3
STATES: 7
COUNTRIES: 6
CONTINENTS: 3
DAYS TRAVELING: 106
CURRENCIES: 5

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Czech Me Out

There is so much beauty and history every where you look in Prague. I have loved every place I visited so far, but there was something that really captured me here. I AirBnB’ed an apartment in the heart of Old City.. I wandered aimlessly and purposefully. I was happy to completely unpack in my own space (and to be able to walk around naked, let’s be honest). I had five days to give myself to this city. I fell in love with not only Prague, but who I was in Prague. I was bold, brazen and opentough and tender. I had conversations that brought me to tears and moments where I had to ruffle my feathers up (mainly a close call where I had to jump out of a moving cab and yell ‘Fuck you!’ to a taxi driver). Prague represented the yin and the yang in me, it brought out the best of both sides in my heart and in my personality. I felt completely comfortable in all aspects of myself, being able to tap into every part of who I am.

Highlights and lessons from the Sandeman’s New Prague Walking Tour
—making new friends (ahem Shia LeBeouf and Nicholas Cage)
—seeing a house that was built in 1270 where King Charles the 4th lived, King of Bohemia
—learning the history of the Gooseites, followers to an uprising against the Catholic church and the 30 year war that started over poop
the Astronomical clock: built over 600 years ago and still working.. at the top of every hour, death rings his bell and the three men to the left turn their heads, the twelves apostles come walking about then the rooster at the top shakes his feathers and let’s out a caw
Czechs drink more beer per person per day than any other country (surprising, eh? it’s an average of 1.5 liters which includes children in the head count)
—the theater where Mozart premiered Don Giovani, one of the few remaining theaters in the world he has played
—the lights that illuminate Prague Castle at night were a present from Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
—a small corner block in the Jewish ghetto is the only place Jews were allowed to bury their dead in WWII, they kept having to raise the ground more and more to bury over 120,000 people who died during this time
Prague was Hitler’s retirement plan, he wanted it to be a center for art and culture.. he moved all industries away from it so that it wouldn’t a bomb target in the war… he allowed the Jewish Quarter to remain so that when the Final Solution was ’successful’, it would act as a museum to an extinct race.

Highlights and lessons from the Sandeman’s Castle Tour:
Prague Castle: began construction in 880 and took over a thousand years of work until it’s completion in 1929
—a hilarious story of the Czech President who was caught stealing a pen during a televised news conference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo89lsjIx2I
St. Vita’s Cathedral: built in 1343, it’s the biggest church in Czech and one of the biggest in Europe.. we got to listen in through the whispering walls and a favorite of my trip, see an original painting by Alphonse Mucha in one of the windows
—I got to shoot a mid-evil crossbow and hit a bulls-eye on the third and last shot
—saw a sword from 1400 B.C. among other mid-evil weapons, torture devices and armor

Moments in Prague:
—strolling the Charles Bridge which was built in the 1300s… looking at the beautiful views and statues while headed to see the John Lennon wall (finding some inspiration I needed to read there)
—Waking up with a cut and black eye after the Pub Crawl (the crawl itself was pretty shitty, but the company and dancing made it fun… I still have no clue how the injury occurred)
—visiting an Australian pie shop opened by tour guide and now friend (how I miss Australian pies)
—discussing love and loss at the Prague Beer Museum with John Paul
—a last minute but phenomenal day trip to Kutna Hora with the friend I met on the walking tour (Adam) and a great couple he met at the hostel (Maria and Leland)… we barely made it to the train after running to the regional train, running to a cab, hopping out then running to buy tickets and find the right train… we visited the Sedlec Ossuary (a 13th century church which is decorated with the bones of over 40,000 people), Saint Barbara’s Cathedral and walked over the second Charles Bridge… we also happened upon a petting zoo where I got to shake hands with an elephant and pet a zebra’s mane
—lunch in Kutna Hora: we had a King’s Feast of five kinds of meat served on a sword, wild boar goulash, delicious sides and locally brewed beer for $17 eachseriously mind-blowing
—the amazing flea market we stumbled upon after returning from our trip, I purchased some beautiful art from a local artist and was gifted a table clock replica of the Astronomical Clock from Adam
drinking at ‘The Pub’ with my tour friends and a Sicilian named Fabrizio (who so kindly invited me to visit!): they have beer taps at table that keep track of what you drink – it gives everyone a number to create a competition (and naturally, I won)… I may have also saved us from a fight with a Czech biker gang at said bar
—dancing… so much dancing until 3am on my last night in town (starting at a hip hop place and ending at a huge techno club where I got hit in the face… again… while dancing)

Food highlights:
Trdelnik: dough wrapped on a cylinder and cooked over an open flame then rolled in cinnamon (I ate it everyday)
–Beer: cheap (like 50 cents a liter cheap, locally made and delicious)

Language highlights:
-Bubble blower: bublyfouk (pronounced boo-blay fuck)
-Saying hello to a friend: AHOY! (You must also swing your fist in an upward motion and stomp with your foot… like a pirate)
Thank you: dee koi you
-Cheers: Na Zdravi
Defenestration: The act of throwing someone out a window, coined in Prague (due to an interesting and rich history of practicing the act)

AIRPORTS: 12
FLIGHTS: 14
TRAINS: 3
BUSES: 3
STATES: 7
COUNTRIES: 5
CONTINENTS: 3
DAYS TRAVELING: 97
CURRENCIES: 5

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Cold toes, warm heart

Cold toes, warm heart

It has been 3 1/2 of braving frigid temperatures while creating warm memories. This is the third time I’ve visited my home state of Connecticut since I moved to San Francisco over 3 years ago. It is the first time … Continue reading

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.”

My uncle gave me a card with this quote on it when I moved to California in May of 2011. Some things you hear and think you understand until the day that it really clicks and the meaning changes entirely. … Continue reading