As the final days of our vacation and our relationship approached… it was hard to focus on enjoying Venice. We had three nights and three days left to spend together. We had some bad luck in these days with getting ripped off by restaurants, receiving a 52 euro ticket because we forgot to ‘validate’ our return trip from Murano and with the toilet at our AirBnb (I won’t go into details, but there were some moments that were both disgusting and hilarious). It didn’t feel as easy and light as it had earlier in the week.

We had a stunning apartment with a terrace overlooking the canal. Each morning, I took a few moments alone up there to breathe and to do my best at keeping my shit together. It felt like the universe was giving us conflicting signals. We bought a lock in Cinque Terre that Jon was etching at lunch and when he tested the lock… it was broken and wouldn’t open. At that moment, as if in a movie, the radio (which had been on so low it was inaudible during our entire meal) started blaring Taylor Swift’s ‘Blank Space’ right at the ‘Is it going to be forever or is it going to go down in flames?’ part. We were silent for a moment then burst into laughter that lasted for awhile… then tears. We bought another lock and headed to the Ponte dell’Accademia (the bridge famous for having over 20,000 locks on it)… They had all been cut off. Jon climbed the side of a beautiful theater close by to lock it to the gated window in hopes that the lock would remain for years to come as a symbol of our bond. Life can be so fickle and poetic.

We wandered through Venice, holding hands… embracing these final days. It was romantic… We saw the lunar eclipse (a first for me) while in search of our morning espresso and we were serenaded on a gondola ride where I met Constance, a kind, loving and adventurous older woman, who I am pretty sure is exactly who I’ll be in 50 years (or at least who I aspire to be).

On our last night, we heard both of our songs played at the bar… I begged for Jon to dance with me, feeling as if my heart was in a vice being squeezed tighter and tighter with each musical note and just wanting to be held close. He was too sober to oblige.

The next morning, we were fairly silent over our last cappuccinos and Italian pastries. We walked to the bus station in the rain. Under a bridge, we made our last declarations… accepting that it was truly over… realizing that love isn’t ‘all you need’ and that the difference in life stages and experiences were too much to overcome. I walked him to the bus that would take him to the airport. Like a script, we kissed one last time in the rain. I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘I love you’ back – I felt like if I did, it was really the end. I stood there, getting soaked, as the bus drove away… feeling my heart shatter into a million pieces.

The tears would not stop once they started flowing. Have you ever loved so deeply, you felt physical pain at its loss? I tortured myself by listening to the Valentine’s day playlist he made for me on my train ride to Florence. I thought about everything that was said and done throughout the course of our relationship… I felt the weight of all the hurt, betrayal and anger.

I feel completely and utterly broken. I allowed myself to remain in this reflection and sadness by not leaving the apartment in Florence that day. As terrible as I feel now… as much as this hurts, I am grateful to have experienced these parts of Italy with Jon. I’ve been fine traveling alone, but it was better to travel with a companion in Rome, Cinque Terre and Venice… I think you see and feel things differently when you are with someone you love there. I am glad I was able to give him the gift of seeing the world (even if just a small part of it).

Moments in Venice:
–San Marco square: a beautiful square filled with art and history… and pigeons… I couldn’t understand why people kept feeding them to get the birds to land all over them… ack
–San Marco Basilica: I may have used some sneaky moves by entering through the exit to avoid waiting in the 2 hour line (maybe the cause of our bad luck karma?), the art in the church was so beautiful… I lit another candle in memory of my loved ones
-purchasing art from a local artist
–Bridge of Sighs: we had to settle for a kiss while walking over it since our gondola did not go under it
–Rialto bridge: the shops and foods being sold, we ate and walked the entire time we were there
–Doge Palace: we got a lovely view from the canal but did not have time to go inside
–Murano: a pretty little area but not worth the $ for the water bus and the 52 euro ticket for not being able to stamp our return fare (you had to pay to get in everywhere or see anything and a lot of the glass can be seen right in Venice)
–Bacaro Jazz Bar: there is zero nightlife in Venice but we found a 2 for 1 drinks at this total dive with bras handing from the ceiling and an old Rod Stewart concert being played on the television

Favorite purchases:
–I obviously can’t share the gifts I bought but I did get a wax seal kit with a ‘J’ to go with the calligraphy set Jon bought me for Christmas and an Italian stove top espresso maker that I am very excited about and can’t wait to get back to the States to use. It was nice to lighten my load and send Jon home with some items I have purchased in 2 months of traveling and some clothes and personal items that I ended up having no need for (more room for to get more stuff – yay!).

Food Highlights:
-With the exception of one meal of sage & poppy seed ravioli and the pastries, the meals in Venice were a bit disappointing after Rome. If you wanted anything halfway decent, you had to be willing to drop $$. But our AirBnb host did suggest a pizza place around the corner that was the best I’ve had in Italy (we ate there every day).

Language Highlights:
–Excuse me: scusci (you have to say this a lot as you make your way through the narrow passages)

AIRPORTS: 13
FLIGHTS: 15
TRAINS: 6
BUSES: 3
STATES: 7
COUNTRIES: 6
CONTINENTS: 3
DAYS TRAVELING: 106
CURRENCIES: 5